Talking to Kids About Miscarriage
Miscarriage. It was a fear I had when sharing the news with our 3 kids that we were going to have a baby. The joy and excitement of this news persevered over that fear. We decided to tell them on Mother’s Day that we were going to have a baby in our family. Cue the joy, excitement, tender belly touches, and beautiful questions. My youngest was so excited to be a big sister. So excited in fact that she told everyone. We told more people early on this pregnancy that we were having a baby than we ever had. The kids told their teachers, friends, and neighbors because they were just so excited. Then my fear came to reality and I was having signs that I was going to miscarry. What I had suspected was confirmed. This was not my first miscarriage, but it was the first time that we would walk through this sadness with our children. This loss felt immense and so painful. I hope these tips can help if you need to have a hard conversation. I have been reminded of the power of including kids in the hard, leaning into your community, and letting kids process in the way they need to process. Here are some quick tips, but, as always, feel free to reach out directly if you need more support at bridgetobravery@gmail.com or 614-259-8628.
Use simple, concrete, and direct statements.
For me that sounded like this, “Do you remember how I said we will need to make sure the baby’s heartbeat was strong and healthy? I went to the doctor to have the baby checked and they found that the baby’s heart had stopped working. The baby died. Mommy has to have a special surgery to take the baby out of her body."
I also added statements to validate their love and connection. “Even though you don’t get to meet the baby in person you were such a great brother/sister already.”
It’s important to let kids know they did not cause the baby to die as kids tend to try to find answers to why. A simple statement like this can help, “The doctors do not know why this happened, but I do know that it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault. Sometimes sad things happen and we don’t have an answer.”
This was hard. I decided to tell each of my kids separately and they each had different responses. One needed to rub my stomach and say goodbye, one needed more facts and details, and one needed a lot of snuggles/hugs and to talk/play about it.
Use books if you cannot find the words.
There Was a Baby by Laura Camerona
Written by a child life specialist and it is a great book to give you words that might be hard to find at the time.
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert
There is obviously a religious, spiritual component, but my kids found it helpful and wanted to read it over and over.
Give your kids and yourself the grace and space to grieve and talk about it.
My 4 year old needed to share the story and narrative over and over again. It was the same after we told her she was going to be a big sister. She told everyone. Although, this second narrative was jarring, painful, and surprising to people who she said it to. We let her do her thing. Kids are like this with hard news. They are trying to understand it and figure out how to cope. It’s okay. Sometimes I would prepare people with a text and other times she caught me off guard. Sometimes I would cry and sometimes I wouldn’t. It helped her cope and understand this new narrative.
My 4 year old also wanted to play “pregnant” with me right after. I let her. It didn’t last long, but it helped her play through what she was experiencing. This is normal. Play is how kids process and understand the world around them.
This can be painful after a loss. Kids need repetition and to try to gain an understanding of what happened. When you are also grieving as a parent, it can be hard to experience this repetition, but it is helpful for kids to cope. You don’t need to apologize for your kids being concrete.
Lean into your community and people for support.
We decided last minute to tell our oldest two kids on the last day of school (this was when my d&c was scheduled). This was hard. We wanted the last day of school to be joyful, but we also wanted them to have a chance to say goodbye if they needed to. Things I did to help them cope that day:
I immediately emailed their teachers to explain what was happening. They have amazing teachers who love our kids and were there for them. My oldest went to his teacher for support that day and I was so thankful that I reached out and he had another adult there to support him. It’s important for teachers to be aware of things going on in families so kids know they are not alone.
I asked a friend if they could go with them after school so they could still do the fun activities we had planned. They were able to still experience fun and joy.
We were also very lucky enough to have family around, which I know is a luxury not everyone has available to them. I almost did want to burden everyone with this news, but I am glad I did as they were able to step in and help in ways I didn’t know I needed.
Lastly, I have to give a shout out to my husband, even in his own sadness, was able to give me the space and support I needed through it all.
I am humbled by this experience and I know that it is a gift to be able to support families through challenging times in life. We are not meant to experience things in isolation, but in community. If you are going through a difficult life experience and you need extra support for your family, please reach out. It is an honor to help provide an extra layer of support for families.