Talking to Kids About Cancer
When it comes to having hard conversations with kids, there are certain topics that can feel too big or too hard. Topics that come to mind for me are cancer and death. Now, if you can, pause for a moment and think about all of your experiences with those words. For this blog, we are going to focus on cancer, but this can also be applied to any difficult conversation.
Cancer. What comes to your mind? What has been your experience with this diagnosis? If you were a child, how did the adults around you support you or treat you?
I ask about your own experiences because sometimes this impacts how we are explaining and interacting with our children about hard topics.
For myself, My 3 year old niece was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12. I was impacted. My family didn’t necessarily talk about hard topics with me or ask how I felt about it. I remember feeling scared when we first received the call because I didn’t know much about cancer. I knew from my parents voices that it was something big and not good. However, I wasn’t shielded from anything and was actively involved in the process. I remember always feeling like I could do something to help my niece. As a kid, I remember it felt like my job to play and make her smile. It made me feel involved, which in turn helped with my coping. There was never a question if I would be involved. There was no other way. I loved going to the hospital to visit her to make her smile and bring her favorite treats.
I remember certain aspects of the hospital and visiting her when I think back to those two years of her treatment. I remember that the hospital felt really big, both in good and bad ways, when I entered the building. I remember my little niece in her hospital bed. I remember being at the hospital around Easter time around her diagnosis. I remember the small little play room on the oncology floor. I remember how brave my niece felt to me when she needed treatments and procedures. I remember another little girl I played with who had retinoblastoma that passed away. I remember. I probably could have used a child life specialist to talk with during this time, but I know that being an active participant shaped me and helped me cope. I never had to guess what was going on, I was always a part of the good and the bad.
So why should you include your child and bring them into this new reality that feels vulnerable and scary? Here is my best sale’s pitch to you, parent or caregiver.
Kids can handle it with adults around them supporting and trusting them with this information.
There is no perfect way to go about including your kids, but there are wonderful books and resources out there to guide the conversation. Each day new books become available. I will link a few of my favorites at the end of this article.
Start the conversation- it might be helpful to lead with the facts and go from there- you can do it.
“I went to the doctor for (insert reason: regular check up, because I was having weird bowel movements, etc). When I was there the doctor (took pictures, checked my blood, etc) and found (insert word tumor, something that wasn’t suppose to be there, etc). If you know it is cancer at this point, use the word cancer and see the statement below. If you don’t know you could say “that is all we know right now, but I promise to tell you more as we find out more information.” You can also wait until you have all of the information if that is easier for you or better for your child.
If it is cancer, you could first see what they know about cancer. “Have you heard the word cancer?” Let your child explain what they know or who they know who has/had cancer. Define cancer for your child. “Our body is made up of cells. Tiny little cells that we cannot see, but make up everything. Our skin, hair, heart, lungs, everything is made up of cells. A cancer cell is a broken cell that forms- it doesn’t have a job, it multiplies, and it can impact parts of the body where the cancer started and it can spread in the body. The doctors are going to try to get rid of all of these cancer cells.” You could then relay that back to the reason you went to the doctor in the first place or the picture that found the cancer to explain where the cancer is in your body.
It is important to make sure that your child knows that they did not cause cancer. Nobody knows why it happened, but we do know it is not their fault.
Give time for your child to ask questions or express feelings.
Be honest about how you feel, it may help your child feel comfortable sharing their feelings.
As you know your treatment plan, you can share it with your child. Many times kids need to know the plan for who will take care of them when their parent is receiving treatment. It might be helpful to have a visual calendar for who is covering for school pick up, sports, etc.
There are so many books, resources, and support out there. You are not alone on this medical journey. Please see the tools and resources below and reach out if you or your family needs more support.
Books and Resources:
Do you need more tips and strategies? Check out Wonders and Worries. I am a Registered Provider for Wonders and Worries and would be happy to talk with you more about the curriculum and support opportunities . We have an exciting opportunity to support more families through a child’s caregiver’s medical treatment . Please contact me directly or via Wonders and Worries Support Request.
What Happens When Someone I Love Has Cancer by Sara Olsher
I find this book easy to read and informative. It’s a great guide to use to help kids understand cancer and the potential treatment process.
I Wonder What It’s Like When a Parent Has Cancer: Max’s Story By Jacquelyn Rebecek
This book is a great breakdown to talk about cancer, what kids can do to cope, and the different helpers you will come across during your medical journey
The Puddle Jumper's Guide to Kicking Cancer By Elizabeth Billups
A great book for young kids to help understand cancer and how you treat cancer as well as the side effects for treatments, both physical and emotional side effects. It’s through the perspective of a young child who has cancer and goes through the child’s cancer treatment process.
This workbook uses simple, honest language to support a child’s understanding of cancer using “the dot method.” It really helps kids understand a simple way healthy cells, cancer cells, and treatment interact with each other. It’s a great visual to support a child’s understanding.
You can email me at bridgetobravery@gmail.com set up your free consult today.